@ 2011

Last nite he made love to me…

Like I was the salt of the earth; and the whisper of Angels

He stretched me out and laid me open and licked every wound

He didn’t pause at my cries, or gasp or even my vulgarities

He made me feel places I had lost and forgot ever existed

His tongue searched for secrets I never told and caressed pains

I had masked for many years; last nite;

He -- made love to me…

Like crimson roses laid across the bed,

His hands held me tight; cupped my nipples in his teeth….

Arms grasp my waist and braced my ample ass,

Parted my legs and put it down to make it last…

He held me close to his chest; breathed air into my mouth…

And near his heart I heard every beat of my womanliness

In his breath the heat melted every desire I hidden long ago

Yet just when I thought the passion would scare me away,

He deep voice behind my ear; kneeled to greet my fear

As it pushed past his hands all over my hips, keeping me safe

As his lips sucked delicately my erect nipples which called his name…

He made love to me --- in me, he sought those moments I had given away

Those times that I shared only in dreams he made reality;

His plunge and power inside me; as he deeply penetrated

Made me know his manhood was more than average; and he

Vowed to love me more tomorrow than he did today,

Than he did this night, than he did the very second

By which he christened his faith to me; he is my Lord

And I shall not weep; he kissed my tears until all was left

Was his mouth which covered my utter warmth…

After -- his head n shaft in my soaked womb…for hours…

For with all its wetness was not ashamed of his veracity

And his adoration; nor my femininity; I had thought was barren…

For this night, I was made whole; and the words he shed over me

The spirit he poured in me, the sweat he pulled from me...

We were like legionaries in flight…

Alongside the Brooklyn Bridge light…

 

Ahhhh, last nite;  he --- made love to me…and for this love…

I was taken, exasperated and overthrown…

With every grunt, e-very relentless pound…

Every ejaculation of mine of his intertwined…

Glazed and heated my body reached for his rhythmic slide

Danced aside his black snake moan and we became one…

On this night, the primitive songs we sang…

And I clung to his body; my legs wrapped in glow

Around his strong thighs, my face then back pinned to the bed…

My derrière outward for his loins to defeat….

I couldn’t get enough of him, wanted his:

Soft sigh as he said: I love you my baby…

He kept in tone with explicative promises

I called him names forbidden; he permitted

Me to become feral and implore extra…

Extra inches, extra fervor, extra pain…

My body kept in motion solely to submit

Last nite; -- he made love to me, like…

Monsoons devoured by tornadoes

He as Deity; I as Goddess

I saw heaven in his eyes --

Felt pantheon in his holy thrusts…

For this moment I am his and he is mine…

We are one…as one; we own this night…

It is forever ours to savor the touched ecstasy

Bask in our glory; body meshed to body…

Chest heaved up n down; sweet nectar filled our orifices…

Face to face and hand in hand we fell asleep…

But last nite, --- we made love…

______________________________________________________________

the heart grow fonder,
Go and wait to see if it comes
then maybe that will help
like you’ve pushed me
Like a bad check…bounced…
I can make sense; take in the reality of
cuz sitting in your company;
Within your limits, and curfews…
a mouse in a trap; without an out.
sent shakes & shivers
And Goosebumps down my spine
energy to keep myself
poorly worded phrases,
nine dollars and ninety-nine cents
I’d rather be less beautiful
If I took this knife,
pure heart looked like, would
If I cut away the defiance;
and exposed my interior soul
demure-display
of affection, for your pleasure;
My gaping wound better
Handle with care…or will  break when shaken;
yet, you prefer less rebellious
compliant; more to your liking,
than it will ever be

Filtered silver lined sparkles
Of forgotten innocuous daylights
Flicker through the sullen air
Applauded livelihood memoirs
Made reminiscences so soft
Of black silken sheets aflame
To be touched upon in later years
Colder perhaps then; but change will come.
Turned from crimson thoughts of you
On those days we slept-in and marinated
Cradled in sleep, moans and lust…
Torn spirits disrupted; n' pierced; made whole...
As the crystal winter surrounded us
In silence so loud we shuttered at its intensity
And even the stillness fueled the warmth
We built by fireplaces, which melted our souls...
Wrapt in the glow of loves evolution…
Thru starlight that glistened on our shadows
And moonlit crept over our raged loins…
No longer able to resist; implacable.
As we slowly stretched onto fallen pleasures
Of one another in positions of sensuality
And in those stolen promised moments
Harbored; indebted by our heated passion
We shall be greater nor lessor
We shall be better and wiser
In our arrangement; our souls marry...
and we remain forever changed.

---

If I could learn to love myself the way I love you;
Without conditions, or an ear for lies, or high expectations
Or even a hint of remorse when I know your wrong…
If I could learn to look upon myself the way I look upon you;
As if you were the light that would bring the dark away
And settle all my debts and always sing me praise…
If only I would learn to see myself the way my eyes see you;
Without despair, without judgment, with no err for mistakes…

Just as the day turns to night a constant reminder of
Yesterdays gone and tomorrows to come…
God knows, if I should embrace my own power, as I born you;
Then I would never be afraid of countless sleepless nights
Nor would I be so weak I couldn’t speak…

If I could learn to love myself the way I wish to love you;
Wholeheartedly and accepting of all your faults
Always in consistent heart pumping adoration…
If I could learn to look upon myself in sheer reflection;
Sincere in support and non-faltering hope…
If I would learn to see myself as my eyes gaze towards you;
With pure pleasure and unbinding passion
Forever in fluid motion of regeneration…
God knows, if I should embody my own force as I hold you;

Just as the night turns to a sun-soaked memory
Today more engulfed, than the moonlit night
If I should consume myself as you shadow me...
Surely, life would bring me justice in this tragic–comic disposition
And the heavens would open unto me in full return, in transition…

If only; I could learn to love myself the way I love you…

______________________________________________________________

Like an addiction -

it shatters beneath you,

awakens the pulse of you,

turns your world upside down,

and splatters on top of you.

Breaks you down,

turns the cold out of you,

sets fire ablaze you

until all that's left is purity,

whole, unified and loyal.

It rips at your soul

yet, consciously devours you,

around each feverous vein,

each sense unfolds

thru  emotions that cut,

deeper than you've ever known before.

As denial and fury,

fuels the beast of desire

inside your very tortured mind

it twists your heart strings

and beckons the breath of you

it is your deliverance of life…

For your love of me,

is my wretched disease

and you are -- internally

my sole addiction.

____________________________________________________________

of what seems

like a cruel lesson

to awaken your senses

to all injustice as a profession…

in this creation of opposites

where answers do not exist

where all truth — eventually bends into a lie

and then you dive; headfirst

into the unknown; in cry

the unforeseen

and the clock stays on chime…

what’s not actually, ever shown

the mystery of time;

could it be I am, finally, home?

mind fucks are risky at best...
all the glorious things we want. wanted. shared. embarked upon.
and those that we believe we can have -- had; we try to make things work,
and try to make those things we think we need work even harder.
the lives we haunt that haunt us back. we can't help it;
we are all ghost of our former selves when we are abandoned
or betrayed like a knife in back and being betrayed
by ourselves is the worst of all; but we cant foresee until
we are deep in it how it will play out; then its far too late to pull out.

i did this. became a ghost. I made it all complicated with
just a little help from you. i exploded. lost my restraint with a
little spark from you. and damn if i didn't just lose my mind,
but hey, i will get it back and stronger than ever.
I have no choice in the matter; pride and ego is for cowards;
and I have always been a warrior; but bleeding in action;
I think sometimes these things don’t exactly go as planned
or structured; yet in the end, they do go; get drifted alongside
the dead-weight of our daily lives and struggles. washing ashore
carrying the weight of our hopes and promises...

what do i want? what did I truly want you ask?
what... from you. from us? not much. not what you'd expect.
tho’ my standards and expectations kept
being compromised; as was yours; you claimed;
my effort wasn’t obedient enough; yet it was heartfelt;
your protection felt real; safe I was for once;
slept like a baby; embraced by your strong arms;
big hands holding me tight; so, what do i want doesn't
cross my mind much. other than in the context of
learning to accept that I will only get it half the time
because most people is only half-assed. half true
and half anything they think to be...

we did this. shattered the promise.
let slip away the making of a dynasty. what do i want.
it doesn't matter. i don't care. don't ask. don't ask like you can,
knowing that you can't provide me what it is I need.
never could; never would...yet, you knew this...
what...does it matter anyway, anymore, you once had
what I wanted, and you wanted it too, so you said;
but then I learn; people say things when
in the grips of passion; that somehow they forget
the moment you leave their sight; but you then threw it away;
or was that I; let you tell it; altho’ in all fairness;
it takes two; and we both failed.
so, what, right? cuz’ when its all done and said;
who wants to be the first to say goodbye?
but we shed the last tear, and flicked it past
midnite into the nites darkness, wrapped in a blackness
of my womb, freeing your honor...

did you see me in all this. my earnest. my need.
my beauty-inside-out. my soul that I saved for you.
what did you want. that’s the trillion dollar question.
what makes you think the field is greener on the other side,
aren’t you old enough to know; wise enough to know it never is;
but this doesn’t mean I don’t want you happy;
yes be happy; overjoyed. what makes me wonder that
much further knowing you might get lost without me;
but again; we were not working; even your God -
Jehovah couldn’t save us. Nor my spiritual passions,
for in the end, nothing sacred was purely there to begin with;
it was a mirage of my naivety and your prowess...
all meshed into one sensual temptation...of pillage...and plunder...

you did this. became a lion. in his den. your lure was the
sex and passion which had its own place that’s totally separate
from the paths we’ve been trying to create.
for lust and craving there is a room where
none of those other things have a voice.
I tried to choose one room. you did too, we cant;
we cant walk away knowing that love was real;
so we go; walking and looking back;
please don’t look back there are only demons there.

lonely isn't the same as  -- alone,
alone never really exists without the lack
of something wanted. or needed i guess.
alone is just a symptom of love. just like all those sad moments
life is comprised of. i'm waiting, but i'm not waiting on you or us;
for we couldn’t get it right; and right is all
I will/we will accept at our age. i wanting,
but i'm always trying to stop. i'm lost there in the space we must maintain.
one lonesome bit of saltwater among a million pike waves.

what did you want? claimed the whole 9. all the while
knowing all you truly wanted was to be the first.
shouted honor and duty and all the biggies
that made me swoon. all the while knowing
it was treachery and debauchery...courting
like children in tree-tops; that dont realize the fall...
we must use our decency, well, ok, mine --
on our farewell, with dignity and grace; head held high;
me as celestial; and you as deity; oh I mean co-dependency
wasn’t an option for me; but if you must hold on;
hold on to what was pure and good of us;
as you told me many times; the love will shine thru
on days of loneliness and days you get hunger and want.
your dominance seeping into my submission is only mental now;
yet mental was always the deepest force to reckon with.
how do I -- do we -- dismantle our minds?

mind fucks are risky at best.
all the glorious things we want. i wanted. broken. split.
but don't ask me what i want or wanted. Ask me;
how in the hell we knew better but didn’t do better.
How our desire was evident but not whole.
For we may have done 360 degrees of change
but we never turned around. and it's seems
to be taken too long to forget what I once wanted.
what you once wanted; what we once wanted.
because you still might be able to have it…
we might be able to feel it; in your dreams
and forever in mine…

______________________________________________________________

Your voice beating in my chest. Loud n’ steady like a bass drum.
Echoing the sweet feedback you give; and I relent.
I am lost without your command. And easily wrought of despair
when you are not here. Yet now the lesson is over
and I’m so much wiser for it. Will I finally, succumb to what it is
you have called upon me to embrace? Or do I stand
once more alone. The wisdom spares me from
hurting the same way again, but it does not account
for the loneliness when you are away and in her arms.
Open under the breast of night. Hungry and sucking on her ebony tits.
And in this great awareness it is not the light of her I want;
it is the dark of you a babygirl must have. The reality is I breathe your air;
we are one; and without your firm hand; and my sweet embrace...
I am a melody without song.

Just when I think there is nothing left to write.
That the words no longer care; they simply spring forth
like holidays in solemn memory of you not near. As I
wrap my body in all those pages and smother my spirit until
it drowns us in blood and semen. Slow dancing rhymes
interpreting infractions. The serious ones that make a man
unable to feel love. The ones which display my clumsiness
at submitting my will. I bare all these fallacies for your correction
and pray you never take them as weakness. That you don’t fill me
full of holes; like the spaces between the pianist keys.
Turn me inside out; like every beautiful love song
of a thousand broken hearts choir.

Just when I think a moment ago, that I’ve nothing
left to express. I cry tears; not of pain; but of desire;
because your Mastery has broken down the fortress
I have built to protect me. All I have now is a hollowed out memory
of what used to be my life. Any words I can put here
would only be in sacrifice of truth. I don’t mean to rebel;
it’s a residual effect; in honesty, I will follow you to
the depths of hell; and bring forth water for your care.
For the reality is I live to feel you; take you in; without
your guidance; I am b-flat without a major.

Your voice beating in my chest. Loud n’ steady like a bass drum.
Filling me full of silence and submission.
It’s the Daddyness which I adore. I listen for the day when the surface
of me splinters and floats at your feet. It teases and taunts me
and makes me all a-sweat n’ tweak for more. The sharp ecstasy
is pounded out in nights of passion; as we feed on each our tune.
I am put on edge. And you swallow me whole in a concert of moans;
which surround my ears and defy me.
Ambient thoughts color the night in our image.
Forgive me Daddy of all transgressions. And lead me not into
temptation but deliver me from evil. Be of like-mind n’ visions
to create an ocean of subtitles cancelled out by
one big wave of stately-hood. You have taken me
and swung me into string quartet. Your marching band
stepped power in the void that kept me misplaced.
Daddy, in your hand, in your soul and your loins ---
do you feel the servitude you have unleashed
in our deafening symphony?

---

Letting Go...